Sunday, July 22, 2012

The 30 Worry

I just realized, I'm living in a bubble of panic. It all started with entering into my 30th year with so much that I'd asked for and now looking up, 2 months later, and some of those very things are gone. My relationship has come to an end - though I am 100% sure that this was the best thing for me, I felt a weight lifted for God's sake. The flip side, I'm back to square one... Meeting, liking, dating, getting to know and being oh-so confused! I guess with 30 comes the itch to meet my husband, so I know for sure I'll get to create the family I've always dreamt of. Kind of heartbreaking. This dream isn't worth being in an unfulfilling relationship, yet I'm on the other side of the fence in complete panic, seeing the beginning of any possibilities, as a storybook ending.

Next, I am finally out of the 9 - 5 mix and while I am much happier, I feel a need to create structure, indulge in hobbies, invest time into the things I am passionate about. I feel the pressure of making good use of this time and in turn, discovering what I'll do and where I'll go next. It is with great hope that I find what it is that God has in store for me. It knocks at my soul every day. Lord, how do you wish to use me? And once you decide upon that, use me till you can't use me up anymore.

And then there's the health thing. I feel like I have little control over the fate of my weight. Not because I lack the knowledge and ability to cultivate a lifestyle conducive to health and fitness, but there seems to be a deeper issue with myself and food. And about exercise, how do I ever get used to "just doing it?" See, with this 30th year over my head, things that matter have fluttered my brain. 

That said, today I will devise a plan, create some structure and work towards what I want in life - being a better person, connecting with God and keeping the faith. It's all about alignment and if I align myself properly with the things that make my life work, I will evolve into the best person I can be. God please use me!

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