The 30 Worry

I just realized, I'm living in a bubble of panic. It all started with entering into my 30th year with so much that I'd asked for and now looking up, 2 months later, and some of those very things are gone. My relationship has come to an end - though I am 100% sure that this was the best thing for me, I felt a weight lifted for God's sake. The flip side, I'm back to square one... Meeting, liking, dating, getting to know and being oh-so confused! I guess with 30 comes the itch to meet my husband, so I know for sure I'll get to create the family I've always dreamt of. Kind of heartbreaking. This dream isn't worth being in an unfulfilling relationship, yet I'm on the other side of the fence in complete panic, seeing the beginning of any possibilities, as a storybook ending.

Next, I am finally out of the 9 - 5 mix and while I am much happier, I feel a need to create structure, indulge in hobbies, invest time into the things I am passionate about. I feel the pressure of making good use of this time and in turn, discovering what I'll do and where I'll go next. It is with great hope that I find what it is that God has in store for me. It knocks at my soul every day. Lord, how do you wish to use me? And once you decide upon that, use me till you can't use me up anymore.

And then there's the health thing. I feel like I have little control over the fate of my weight. Not because I lack the knowledge and ability to cultivate a lifestyle conducive to health and fitness, but there seems to be a deeper issue with myself and food. And about exercise, how do I ever get used to "just doing it?" See, with this 30th year over my head, things that matter have fluttered my brain. 

That said, today I will devise a plan, create some structure and work towards what I want in life - being a better person, connecting with God and keeping the faith. It's all about alignment and if I align myself properly with the things that make my life work, I will evolve into the best person I can be. God please use me!

Sit Up Through the Setback

A little over a week ago, I received devastating news... News that altered my plans. And while we're always told to think of a Plan B, beforehand, I feel as if I should rediscover my path and perhaps try something new.

It's bizarre (to me) how some have been doing what they love since birth and others are waddling to their 30th year and still trying to nab that job, get into that field, find their way into that company - and get going with life.

I believe in doing what you want to do, even if you're not paid to do it. TD Jakes said, "Acknowledge and pursue your passion(s) to find your purpose." I believe this to be true. I also believe that in time, we all discover what we're destined for. In the meantime, work hard, be smart, consistent and fully invested in whatever you do. With that comes a wave of enlightenment, opportunity and chance, soon evolving into you being right where you were meant to be all along. 

Slow Down & Enjoy It - The Present!

At times we strive for so much, expect so much, do so much, in return for so much.  In the moments of moving and cultivating the life we envision, sometimes the pace of our motions cause us to miss some very significant happenings in the now...

We ask for things, but if life is passing us by at a speed beyond our pace, how could one notice or enjoy what we have asked for??? In this present time, I realized I have a lot of what I've asked for.  Yet, I somehow find a thing, a situation, a circumstance to draw complaints.

I am here.  I am now.  I am nothing beyond my present, though the past has played its part and the future is trying to find a way to make its mark.  I am here. I am now.  I am present.

Staying Put(t)

Staying Putt while staying put is disrupting the expansion of life.  I am meant to see the world.  Yet, I have made no substantial sacrificial plan to do so.  When you want something you go after it.  You do all you can to attain that thing some call a dream.  But occasionally, life gets in the way...

Well today, without more than a thought, I am configuring a plan.  I am mapping it out.  With the world in reachable distance, I will decide my next destination.  My next step in life.  The force that will guide my coming days and nights...

I dream a dream and it is GRAND!

Taking Care of Me

When I was a child, I had the luxury of Mommy saving me.  Mommy protecting me.  Mommy soothing me.  She was there no matter what.  And though Mommy's positioning hasn't changed, as an adult, I cannot responsibly collapse in her arms for every issue at hand. 

I appreciate the way I was raised.  Mom taught me to depend on no one, but her.  Mom taught me to be very self-sufficient.  Mom taught me to get on with life, gracefully.   I appreciate the woman who raised me.  It is with her backing that I feel so protected in this world, in which I live. 

But back to collapsing... Have you ever wanted to lie helplessly in another's arms and hear, "It's going to be alright."  In the midst of making a risky decision yesterday, that's all I wanted to hear!  No matter which way I went, what decision I made, which turn I took - I wanted to know it would be alright...  I guess being the responsible kid has crept into my adult life.  While I'll support others, the idea of relying on another for that sort of help just isn't in me.  

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I have no support, but what about the support needed to take some time away and figure things out?  Where's my partner?  Where's my backing?  How could one that continuously gives, experience such lacking?

While I don't feel sorry for myself, I do wonder how I got in this position where so much depends upon me... If I said forget it all, the suffering would extend beyond Puttie.  They say with great reward comes great responsibility.  I am thankful, yet sometimes I only want to consider ME.

Uncertainty Coupled with Possibility...

All in the same hour, I receive a letter of uncertainty, followed by a meeting with great possibility.  I am assuming God is up to something.  While I don't want to go out like a chump, I would like to know what's needed for me to move beyond this point.

I've tried.  I've applied.  I've done all I know how.  Feeling the direct effect of a universal issue is now seeping beneath the scar tissue.  Bridges are burning and through it all, I'm left with a feeling, yearning...

I know this is not the end of the road.  I also know that I'm not playing by the common code.  Today has been quite the day.  My temperament has been pleasantly blah.  I've come a long way, but now it feels like I have not made it far.

Uncertainty coupled with possibility...

On My Way, Today!

As you reexamine your life, one also reexamines the world around her.  Has it changed?  Have you changed?  Do you feel the need to shift?  Has the world shifted?  Did you grow?  Has your world grown?  There are tons of questions that pop up - each question being less of an inquiry and more of a feeling, an observation - you taking inventory of where you are, where you'd like to go and where you came from.

It is with these very questions that one opens her world, once again to evolve into something closer to the person you'd like to be, the life you'd like to have.  This is an opportunity for growth.  You've grown and now your head has hit the ceiling... There's no more room to expand within the same circumference.  It's time to welcome a new chapter of life.  New habits.  New behaviors.  New pastimes.  A new audience.

Being such an analytical person, I get caught up in the thought of many things.  I'd like to jump on the other side of the fence - abandoning a percentage of my thoughts, transforming ideas into action.  There are some things that need to change.  As I live out the last year of my 20s, I shall welcome 30 with comfort and delight, knowing I'm doing what it takes, giving my life it's brightest light.  I've wandered.  I've walked.  Now it's time to choose a destination, move in that direction and set the path to arrive at each place my heart has chosen. 

Discipline is needed.  Structured is warranted.  Willingness is necessary.  Sacrifice is mandatory.  Focus is everything!  I see the path before me.  Determination is a major part of who I am.  Decide where I want to go and stop at nothing to get there.  I am on my way...!