Violet Johe

Slow Down & Enjoy It - The Present!

2011-11-15T21:25:00.000-08:00

At times we strive for so much, expect so much, do so much, in return for so much. In the moments of moving and cultivating the life we envision, sometimes the pace of our motions cause us to miss some very significant happenings in the now...

We ask for things, but if life is passing us by at a speed beyond our pace, how could one notice or enjoy what we have asked for??? In this present time, I realized I have a lot of what I've asked for. Yet, I somehow find a thing, a situation, a circumstance to draw complaints.

I am here. I am now. I am nothing beyond my present, though the past has played its part and the future is trying to find a way to make its mark. I am here. I am now. I am present.

Staying Put(t)

2011-10-11T07:22:00.000-07:00

Staying Putt while staying put is disrupting the expansion of life. I am meant to see the world. Yet, I have made no substantial sacrificial plan to do so. When you want something you go after it. You do all you can to attain that thing some call a dream. But occasionally, life gets in the way...

Well today, without more than a thought, I am configuring a plan. I am mapping it out. With the world in reachable distance, I will decide my next destination. My next step in life. The force that will guide my coming days and nights...

I dream a dream and it is GRAND!

Taking Care of Me

2011-09-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

When I was a child, I had the luxury of Mommy saving me. Mommy protecting me. Mommy soothing me. She was there no matter what. And though Mommy's positioning hasn't changed, as an adult, I cannot responsibly collapse in her arms for every issue at hand.

I appreciate the way I was raised. Mom taught me to depend on no one, but her. Mom taught me to be very self-sufficient. Mom taught me to get on with life, gracefully. I appreciate the woman who raised me. It is with her backing that I feel so protected in this world, in which I live.

But back to collapsing... Have you ever wanted to lie helplessly in another's arms and hear, "It's going to be alright." In the midst of making a risky decision yesterday, that's all I wanted to hear! No matter which way I went, what decision I made, which turn I took - I wanted to know it would be alright... I guess being the responsible kid has crept into my adult life. While I'll support others, the idea of relying on another for that sort of help just isn't in me.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not saying I have no support, but what about the support needed to take some time away and figure things out? Where's my partner? Where's my backing? How could one that continuously gives, experience such lacking?

While I don't feel sorry for myself, I do wonder how I got in this position where so much depends upon me... If I said forget it all, the suffering would extend beyond Puttie. They say with great reward comes great responsibility. I am thankful, yet sometimes I only want to consider ME.

Uncertainty Coupled with Possibility...

2011-09-27T13:58:00.000-07:00

All in the same hour, I receive a letter of uncertainty, followed by a meeting with great possibility. I am assuming God is up to something. While I don't want to go out like a chump, I would like to know what's needed for me to move beyond this point.

I've tried. I've applied. I've done all I know how. Feeling the direct effect of a universal issue is now seeping beneath the scar tissue. Bridges are burning and through it all, I'm left with a feeling, yearning...

I know this is not the end of the road. I also know that I'm not playing by the common code. Today has been quite the day. My temperament has been pleasantly blah. I've come a long way, but now it feels like I have not made it far.

Uncertainty coupled with possibility...

On My Way, Today!

2011-09-26T07:20:00.000-07:00

As you reexamine your life, one also reexamines the world around her. Has it changed? Have you changed? Do you feel the need to shift? Has the world shifted? Did you grow? Has your world grown? There are tons of questions that pop up - each question being less of an inquiry and more of a feeling, an observation - you taking inventory of where you are, where you'd like to go and where you came from.

It is with these very questions that one opens her world, once again to evolve into something closer to the person you'd like to be, the life you'd like to have. This is an opportunity for growth. You've grown and now your head has hit the ceiling... There's no more room to expand within the same circumference. It's time to welcome a new chapter of life. New habits. New behaviors. New pastimes. A new audience.

Being such an analytical person, I get caught up in the thought of many things. I'd like to jump on the other side of the fence - abandoning a percentage of my thoughts, transforming ideas into action. There are some things that need to change. As I live out the last year of my 20s, I shall welcome 30 with comfort and delight, knowing I'm doing what it takes, giving my life it's brightest light. I've wandered. I've walked. Now it's time to choose a destination, move in that direction and set the path to arrive at each place my heart has chosen.

Discipline is needed. Structured is warranted. Willingness is necessary. Sacrifice is mandatory. Focus is everything! I see the path before me. Determination is a major part of who I am. Decide where I want to go and stop at nothing to get there. I am on my way...!

Happy Birthday to My Bestie

2011-09-23T13:00:00.000-07:00

My best friend, my chosen family! I am wishing you a Birthday of bliss, a day of love, a week of wonder, a month of certainty, a year of fulfillment and a lifetime filled with the joys (of life) you most certainly deserve.

Of lately, I know there have been some forks in the road, check points you didn’t foresee... But know that God guides you with light to overcome the darkest of moments. Yes, your heart may have been tied in an undeserving place, but it is in those moments of great emotion and compassion, that we remember what it's like to feel again. All mountain tops have valleys and this is God’s genius reminder that we can/must climb again. You only feel the good because God wants you to believe in the great (to come). A broken heart heals and restores an even stronger muscle. That muscle is needed to strengthen you for the upcoming journey. Today is (undeniably) the first day of the rest of your life!

If I’ve learned nothing else from you, I’ve learned this – always reread whatever you send to this friend. LOL I love you dearly. You are one of the strongest women I know. The comments about you reminding me of my mom are a reflection of how I see you as a friend. Your loyalty is a characteristic I love and respect. In the midst of any and everything, you always have my back. And though I ask the Lord for all sorts of things… His Godsend is my best friends. I LOVE YOU!!! May your 31st year of life be all that you’ve hoped for, all that I’ve prayed for and more! Happy Birthday Best Friend <3

The Truth of Youth

2011-09-23T09:33:00.000-07:00

Is it safe to say that greatness is not only an innate ability, but the possibility that this being has had a number of impactful experiences, nourishing their progression along the way? I think this accusation is quite credible!

Let's take a look at the child who appears to "catch on" a bit earlier than the rest. This child receives attention, reinforcement and the best of the best to maximize his/her potential. But what about the kid that's just ordinary... Does this kid get any special attention in areas of weakness or interest? The answer to this question is NO. And this is where the stories of success, the lives of the extraordinary, the images of heroes and heroines are misunderstood.

While I will not take anything away from any being, as far as talent is concerned, I do believe that the back story has been overlooked. The grooming process of the star, the genius, the overachiever, the scholar, the star athlete - is one that's incomparable to their ordinary peers. So what exactly sets them apart? Or, are they like each and every one of us, but the small gestures early-on has made a big difference later-on?

I am currently reading Outliers and the competitive advantages given are quite shocking. I never looked at it this way, but there is something to be said about the stages of our lives and how impactful the experiences of yesterday, are today.

There's great power in possibility! Don't give up on anyone. With the proper attention, something special can be revealed in each and every one of us. The grooming of youth becomes your truth. Help those behind you reach their highest potential, from the very beginning.

Dimming Your Rise, Hardens Your Fall

2011-09-22T09:54:00.000-07:00

I remember mornings where I rose with excitement. While joy still lives in my heart, the idea of getting through the day sometimes exceeds it's 15 minute emotional stay. They say emotions pass after 15 minutes, but it is the constant thought that allows feelings to linger.

In an effort to show my thanks, I'm guessing I've done quite the opposite. Though I put my best foot forward in the work I produce, the timing is off... And I know the very thing that has disrupted the flow of life.

Now I'm reevaluating how long I'll rent space to these forever changing, forever passing, forever evolving emotions. Why stay with one thought, when that thought has the power to dim your rise and harden your fall?

Highs & Lows

2011-09-15T14:14:00.000-07:00

I often come down off highs, reaching my unthinkable low. It goes from flashing lights to dark visions. It opens my heart, yet the disconnect once the dust settles is a bit disheartening...

At what point in my life will I fully grow up and detach from the childish antics I've experienced over the course of my life. When will the fights turn into feasts? When will I fully relinquish what I've known, to explore what is awaiting me in the throws?

An Attitude of Solitude

2011-07-22T11:20:00.000-07:00

I wonder what kind of person I am... Do I judge others? Do I throw things in people's face? Do I save what was done today, to bring up tomorrow?

I feel like I'm a reasonable ear, yet there are few willing to listen. The mention of anything is a complaint. The discussion of other topics is an obsession. I have problems, so I'm told... BUT don't we all!

I don't think I've felt more alone in my life. To end such a feeling, I vow to be my own best friend. I vow to take it easy on myself. I vow to work on the things that do not work. I don't need to make a public service announcement. I will act and execute, silently.

All of a sudden, today, my life has changed. A sweet quiet life - that's what I now prefer, at least for this period in my life. I feel like I'm going through a rough patch and while there are many I've lent a shoulder, I feel like I can barely get the stretch of a hand.

This isn't a pity party. Life goes on. Currently, moving along, a lot differently!

Live Life, Purposefully!

2011-07-19T20:24:00.000-07:00

It'd be a lie to say I had it altogether. As if my life is exactly how I imagined. It'd be a lie to say I am not blessed beyond measure. As if my life hasn't been full of pleasantries and treasure. I am thankful for the life that I have and the desire, will and determination to discover this purpose that's bigger than thy self.

As I turn back the covers and cozy into tonight's assignment, I can't deny the new sense of hope that has come over me. There is a person, there are people who believe in me. There are people that see greatness. There are people willing to lend a helping hand to get me where I need to go. Yet, in the midst of the highs, indeed I hit a major low today.

As the morning doesn't have power to dictate the night, I will sign off from consciousness with the notion that I'm tapping into something bigger than me. It's the me that I often don't physically see. Tonight I'm willing to open my eyes and ignite my heart. If one feels lost, go back to basics and get a new start.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life and I want to spend it with you. You being ME! Welcome the person I was designed to be.

THANK YOU EBONNI!!!

You Are Your Feelings

2011-07-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

When we feel alone, we are alone. I never knew the power of thoughts like I do on this very day. Nothing about my life has changed, other than my desire to act in love. That love has ignited fires in the hearts of those around me and today I've experienced an out pour of what I've allowed to seep into the atmosphere.

From Facebook messages to tweets, friends chose today to share their love and affection. While we often know this love exists, to actually feel it internally, you're opening up to a world of possibilities. The moments wasted on the bad can be downsized to breathe life into the good.

A single thought can change your day. Open your heart and allow love to stay. You are your feelings...!

Credentials Matter...!

2011-07-07T19:47:00.000-07:00

Credentials matter! But what if you didn't attend the best school? What if you don't work for the best company? What if you don't have the best title? What if you are the best, without the best credentials to match?

I ask these questions as I sit in an ongoing debate about what's next... What step should I take to further my career? My life? I'm currently visiting mediocrity. Yet, the thought of not knowing exactly what to choose, has left me standing where I am today.

I have no desire to give up. Yet I dream of giving up all I have to gain all I am. New York City, the melting pot, now feels like the temps are boiling at an all time high and I'm stuck to the side of the cookware. I'm in and out of the mix. I'm here with prayers of being far away. I'm near, but far. I'm driving without direction, nor a car.

Something new, please come true. I cannot imagine feeling what I feel beyond this year. A new space, expanded life and a promising career. God if this were my only way of communication, would you please accept this as my prayer? Talk to me!

One Love. One Life. You Won't Get it Twice!

2011-06-22T09:27:00.000-07:00

At some point we must all take credit for where we are and why we are. It is no longer OK to just say, well this is the way I am or these are the circumstances because of X, Y, Z. I say this as I sit in the chair that has held my weight for 3+ years...

Clearly, I've overstayed my welcome. I've worn out my guest pass. I've gone too far and have fallen too short. Happiness has fled. I'm living, yet I'm dead...

So what do you do when enough is enough? Is there a dollar amount that should keep you where you are, even if you know you've gone too far? Should you succumb to egotistical and societal demands?

I say get up and get out. Start something new. Do what you want to do! The time is now, even if you're unsure how. Get out and get a hold on your life - there's only one to live!

Love More, Care Less

2011-06-17T07:18:00.000-07:00

I think I read the most helpful article on my way in this morning. Though the title of the article has escaped my mind, the content lingers and it's message rings true - to love more, care less. This is something I think many people will benefit from following, yet caring is how humans are taught to express and/or reveal the depth of their love.

From my understanding, I thought caring was an element of love, but truth is - the more you care, the less you are able to love. Ideally, one isn't going in with such intentions, however that does very little to confirm the reality of it all. Relationships with family, close friends and mates, typically exist on the foundation of unconditional love. The constant care, expectations of a certain outcome and the desire to change a person, inherently changes the way you love. Unconditional becomes conditional.

So I say to you, if you can love more and care less, is it worth caring more and loving less? We all have concerns of others, especially the ones we love, but the burden that caring plays on both parties can sometimes cause more harm than help.

Today is the first day I'll exercise my human right to preserve my sanity - I care less, I love more! Thanks O, The Oprah Magazine, for an insightful write-up. With you, I'm simply one read away from shifting my thinking, broadening my knowledge and expanding my thoughts.

Loving You More...
VJ

Smile Upon Today

2011-05-06T07:13:00.000-07:00

Involved in everything going on, within my circumference. A surprising shake grabs hold of my attention, causing me to go beyond my circle to gain balance. In this shift, I look up and catch the eye of a fellow New Yorker. Perhaps this person wasn't born and bred, yet the years of living this city life has changed his face.

Mean muggin'. Yes, that's what some call it. Expressions of anger, unhappiness plastered not only on this gentleman's face, but on this woman's face, the person next to her and the elderly woman next to him. Why are we so mad? The day has only progressed to the 8 o'clock hour, yet we have the worries of yesterday, the sorrows of tomorrow and the absence of today.

The absence of today makes one decay. If we turned our frowns upside-down, life may shine upon us. Your next destination may not be your best destination, however this is what life calls for at the moment. Take it. Accept it. Embrace it. Welcome it.

Have a good day, today!

At Morning Rise I Close My Eyes

2011-05-04T09:46:00.000-07:00

Each weekday morning rise feels like a slow death. Yet, I peel back the covers and conjure up just enough strength to tap dance on the hardwood floors. Sitting on the edge, of what sometimes feels like a ledge, I debate aborting the mission to crawl back into bed.

Acknowledging my thoughts, feelings, emotions... I can't help but wonder, who am I? This spirit is very unlike the one I've always known. However, it's one that has been present for quite some time. I used to sleep like an angel and rise like the sun. Who am I, now? I rarely get a good night's sleep and it's quite unusual to open my eyes and fully welcome the sunrise. Is this what depression feels like? Is this what a lack of fulfillment looks like? Is this what being stuck feels like? Is this what stress looks like?

While I can't quite pinpoint the exact emotion, I do know that my daytime agenda lacks curiosity. It lacks luminosity. It lacks growth, for I have come to know all I can here... But what do you do when something new hasn't arrived, (just yet)? If the money didn't support my basic needs, this moment (here) would for sure be my last. Should I take a big risk? Should I sacrifice needs for happiness? I tend to be the person who allows trouble to find me. Today I want to initiate the first day of the rest of my life.

Energy-less days have caused me to portray this corporation as a bloodsucking establishment, draining the energy out of my everyday life. Thoughts of Friday, post 5:30 are brewing at 7 a.m., Monday morning.

I love life! Is it fair to my well-being to rush through it, if only for the sake of making it through the workday? Am I robbing my soul for financial console? Can I make due with a savings come true? I have all these thoughts of what can be done, yet my independent mindset doesn't find comfort in needing anything from anyone. They say the worse thought of a wealthy man is being poor, and in a sense I get that.

So what do I do??? I think it's time to call Daddy. While the government bails out billion dollar financial institutions, I ponder who's ever there to bail out the individual. The individual that has always held her own...

Who's here for me? Especially in a time when this bloodsucking establishment is hindering one from being free. It's time to leave and just be. GOD please save ME!

It's Saturday!

2011-03-05T17:04:00.000-08:00

To know the best wave of communication is that of written word, I pop my MacBook open and begin typing. It's a Saturday evening and besides a store run, I've been indoors all day. Of lately, I've been worried about making the most of my days... But today, today I am not concerned with the "what should I do" nor the "what I need to do." Today, I'm enjoying the events of the day as they present themselves to me.

It's Saturday. Enjoy beautiful world!!!

Sometimes...

2011-02-16T20:38:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you want to walk into open arms. Sometimes you yearn to feel safe. Sometimes there's a need to be protected. Sometimes it's the idea of having your partner in crime. Sometimes it's about security. Sometimes you have an unconscious need to be fulfilled. Sometimes... Sometimes you can get caught up in the emotions of now!

While the present hour isn't one to be ignored, it is the present emotions that one must not act upon in the heat of a moment. Take a chance, sure. But what's done today, you may have to pay for everyday. Another visitor in the Clark Hotel. A repeat guest for "sometime," but that time too passes...

See, I didn't get it before, but I understand it now. It all makes sense! That which is built on weak ground shall fall. It's the logics of building. And though great ideas can come in the form of "sometimes," it is a sure thing that goes on in an attempt to build something substantial.

I write this note, not to lecture, but to express the fleeting emotion of a woman; developed from the neediness to nurture. That said, wisen up young girl! The worlds are again shifting. There's a level of consciousness that needs to be accepted and respected. You don't deserve temporary assets with permanent risks!

Ok, signing off. A full night of sleep is needed and I think it'll happen. Here's to transformation! Sleep well...

Violet

I Am Love

2011-02-09T07:20:00.000-08:00

At my very best I am love! Listening to Aaliyah on my ipod this a.m. really has me going... I've slid into a lighter mood. The softness of her voice connected to the softness of my heart. I feel fresh. Taking in the brisk air and breathing every breath with focus, intention, a feeling of life being its best.

Truth is, I can have sunny days, everyday, IF I choose to. I've come to realize that My happiness is indeed My choice. And today I choose It! My day is bright. My future has limitless possibilities. My life is full. At my very best I am love and all aspects of my life shall embody just that.

May your day be blessed. The Lord is very present. HE is very consistent. HE knows my heart and that is where My love starts.

The End, My Friend!

2011-01-26T09:33:00.000-08:00

The moment I’m no longer excited about getting out of the bed in the a.m. , I think that proves itself to be the very end. The end of whatever road I'm traveling. The end to whatever song I'm singing. The end of the love story being told… The end, as I know it best!

The End.

Taken High, Dropped Low...

2010-12-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

Excitement! Having it is evidence of one living. You should have zest. You should have zeal. You should be excited about life and the feeling should be real. But what about disappointment?

I often get my hopes up with the presence of a new, strong, take my breath away kind of being. It's the one that's most intriguing who catches my eye. It's the un-thought-of chemistry that ruffles my feathers. It's the potential me that I'm excited to see!

And that typically goes well. We usually have a grand ole time. Captured by who he is and he's intoxicated by me. As the emotion grows, the intensity of something we share becomes frightening. While I look to the right, gazing, thinking of what our lives of passion could be , he's looking left, opting to take the simple path. One where his emotions are under control. Something with a person who doesn't enliven his soul.

I do understand the demand to be in charge. However, the thought of what we were and an idea towards the future, it would be love at large. Alright, no "what ifs" falling from my mouth. What we are and what we were have completely gone south. I'm not heartbroken, my life hasn't crumbled. BUT the next encounter I must mask my excitement and the mention of his name will get no more than a mumble.

I can no longer be taken high to be dropped low...

The Vow of Now

2010-11-18T08:06:00.000-08:00

Female intuition is our bodily compass to what's right, what's wrong, what's happening, what's going on. And though we'd like to ignore that wrenching gut feeling at times, it is that same feeling that kicks in to open our eyes, turn us in another direction and stop us dead in our tracks. It's simply a feeling that enters the body to give one insight on the shortcomings of visual sight.

It operates as part of our senses. We see. We touch. We taste. We hear. We feel. It is the presence of one sense that displays what's real. I advise you not to fight such a natural feeling. Given it's lack of jaded appeal, I believe there's truth in what it reveals.

While I sit with this gut feeling of mine... I wonder if it's the short span of space that makes me feel as if all isn't fine. I trust his word. I believe in his honesty. I adore his openness. I also acknowledge the absence of vows, BUT my prayer to God states: I hope he isn't taking for granted, what we have right now!

The Ploy of Boy Joy

2010-10-12T08:17:00.000-07:00

Typically, I close my eyes with a hundred and one thoughts in my head. I rise in the morning with a hundred and one emotions in my bed. I ride with a hundred and one matters of the heart. This is how my everyday starts. No matter the mood - happy or sad. No matter the energy - dead or alive. My waking thoughts cloud my mind, fill my heart, setting the tone for a journey I'll later embark.

Today, I'm oh-so-emotional! I rose with many different feelings. A sensitivity for feelings. And on today, I chose to express them in this way. Rather than outsource for the object of affection, why not be affection itself? Today I choose to be in love with me. I choose to be fascinated, stimulated, adored, loved and held by ME. For the absence of another no longer has such control. The presence of another was once a dreamy desire, but has now turned old...

The excitement of love has its hold over me. But what I once was I can no longer be! The young woman awaiting happiness and joy... The woman who once thought completion of self had something to do with a boy.

Janette Clark

24

2010-09-28T20:32:00.000-07:00

So much can transpire in 24. It's a great span of time delivering just enough and a little less than expected. And whether you ended in completion or in continuation, you've made yet another mark. Reached another milestone. Was blessed with yet another day. You were granted the power to do what you did today, tomorrow.

Topic of Conversation... L.O.V.E.

2010-09-27T08:15:00.000-07:00

A woman survives a vicious attack and in the office of her therapist the conversation is about love. A man is filled with lots of rage and in the office of his therapist he brings up the nature of love. A student deemed armed and dangerous, takes out an entire class and in the psychiatrist's office, he/she falls upon the topic of love.

No matter what you are, who you are or where you are, the most dominant factor of your existence revolves around love. The love of others, the feeling of being loved, the abundance of love or lack thereof. Given all the differences in human existence, the one constant is our desire to be loved... In all actuality, man wants nothing more and nothing less.

Find it in your heart to show a person how much they're loved today. It isn't always about receiving, but the act of showing has power to bring about the energy of love - 10 fold! I love you today, and always <3

Janette Clark

Late Night Fight

2010-09-07T21:33:00.000-07:00

With age comes wisdom. With wisdom comes thoughts. With thoughts comes questions. With questions comes discovery. This remains true for many things in life, yet when it comes to man, I can't seem to get outside of my high school thoughts.

There was a time I had different feelings. A time when I saw the picket fence. A time when the vision was great wisdom. Now I feel as if I'm starting over. Going backwards, with hopes of rekindling my child-like thoughts on relationships. Companionship. I want to see the rainbow at the end of the slippery slope. The sun shining after the storm. Love in relationship becoming my norm...

UGH These late night fights are tough, especially when I'm battling my own thoughts.

The Friendly Fight

2010-08-25T14:15:00.000-07:00

Of lately, my friend experience has had its ups and downs... While I'm very aware that there are peaks and valleys in any relationship, including the relationship with self, I am on the fence about the constant battles in my life. There's always something said, something done, menial battles that can't be won!

What do I do? Do I give up? Do I keep fighting? Do I allow the pieces to fall as they may, conjoining to their original state one day? Or do I learn to deal with my emotions solemnly and stay?

These seem to be the questions I consciously and unconsciously ponder. When I love a person, them being in pain and/or inflicting pain makes me wonder... What's worth fighting for? When is it safe to give up? With the knowledge and experience of being in all sorts of relationships, I know there will be times that suck...

That said, I'll chalk this up as a time to reflect. Not bring in another for opinion purposes and to evaluate respect. In my heart of hearts I know my intent isn't maliciously powered... But something about these last few months makes me want to take flight. After all, our goal in life is happiness and that should never be a constant fight.

Sincerely,
Your Loyal Friend...

A.M. Thoughts...

2009-03-20T11:32:00.000-07:00

Rising to a vibration, an alert, my roomie/alarm clock has just sounded. I snap out of the dream and forcefully open my eyes to a bbm mssg advising I get up. Oh sh*t! It's 8:07 am. An hour late already. I attempt to panic, but there's a sense of calm that has taken over me. Let's say I still feel like I'm on vaca (smile!).

Ok, so I'm aware of why I may have overslept. Perhaps its the 10 hour workday I endured. Or the late nite smoke. Or simply the presence of that man I'm so very fond of. Ahhh... We'll go with the latter and consider the others as icing on the cake.

Now back to this man... Apparently I was in deep thought before, during and after his visit. While sleeping I remember a vision, a presence of his being. Not sure of the dynamics, but somehow he met me in my dreams - I didn't want to wake. But thanks to worldly contribution & responsibility, dreamy thoughts were interrupted.

So this man, I'm not sure what draws me to him. It's as if this unspoken power lying in him, speaks to me. It not only speaks, it whistles, it yells, it pulls me toward... With thoughts of being the best Me I can be, I hold back. From his soft hands, to gentle kiss. The embracing hug, making me feel so safe in your arms. Wow, I dream of having such attraction, such a feeling, such a joy, in the presence of a man of my own. For He that I've dreamt of isn't mine and will not be... However, at the moment, all I can think of is life with him & me. I ♡ him... I really do!

Of My Own...

2009-01-12T13:12:00.000-08:00

*At times I sit and reminisce... Thoughts of past time love. Past time joy. Past time companionship. I try not to get lost in the past, as you will miss out on the present. I try not to focus so much on the future, as you will not enjoy the delights of today.

*However, today, and it's been a while... I feel as if I have hugs and kisses to share, but no one near to care. To receive. To reciprocate. To appreciate.

*As my soft lips and warm hugs are silenced, I try to put a positive spin on it all. WHEN that special someone becomes a part of my life, there will be love of the past and present - built up inside my soul and at that point, I shall give of myself wholeheartedly.

*Are you ready my love? Because I am!

Amsterdam... Day 5

2008-11-08T19:59:00.000-08:00

It arrives... I arise... With swollen eyes. Body not quite recouping from the 8 hour detox. Sleep just wasn't that thing needed to fully restore my being and my beauty! But as a dear friend once said, she has surrendered her body to pregnancy," I surrendered mine to smoke inhalation. Day 5 and I don't quite have a map of what the day will bring, but I cross the Marriott doors without expectation and knowing that the 1st stop SHOULD be The Internet Cafe/Coffee Shop.

As I peruse the streets of Amsterdam, I gravitate towards an amazing taste, familiar to the great taste experienced 2 nights before. Red Light District once again. Pampa, Argentinean restaurant once again. And as I envisioned, the 2nd time around was even better! Greeted by one I've seen b4 and looking for "the one" I'd like to see again... Mario is his name and he delivered an amazing course, with compliments and an email address to go along with it. Ahhh, don't U just ♡ amazing fare!

On to touristy things like Anne Frank's flat and frolicking about the beautiful city via foot. I manage to walk off some of the baggage acquired at Pampa and more shopping to my surprise. A great pair of green and black booties. And who declared me a sandal gal? Haha The day continues. Many sights, a few pics and lots of smoke. The thing I'll miss most... The FREEDOM of smoking! And while I do miss it b4 its gone, I look ahead to a time of cleansing, just so I can take another puff and pickup exactly where I left off. Amsterdam, I'll be back! This time 3 days is quite enough. I'll catch U on a long weekend. Smoke lovers... Pay AMS @ least one visit. You're bound to reach heights unseen. Til next trip, adios!

One more thing... No more s*x clubs! LOL

Amsterdam... Day 4

2008-11-08T19:49:00.000-08:00

It's a new day! Up earlier than expected. Perhaps the beeps and flashing red lights did it! Well at least the red light is flashing from my berry this morning. It represented police sirens the nite b4. Ahhh... How I'd like to forget that happened. The scene lingers in my thoughts, emotions, in my outlook on Amsterdam.

At noon I'll rise to yet another brisk fall rainy day. Somehow in such little squares, my days have been excitingly full. Full of laughter, smoke and food. Hmmm... Is this what my life has become. "The life of a smoker." All activities are heightened from the effects of smoke. As a result, I enter the Coffee Shop yelling,"Shiva" please!

Ahhh... Today should be swell. I'd like to venture towards Paris. However, extensive train rides and high fares has subjected me to another day in AMS. Let's see what the day holds. Day 4 here I come. I'm not looking @ U the same, so AMS surprise Me with your greatness today. Ciao! And btw... I rose to the page of my BFFs, Nia & Chelly ♡.

Amsterdam... Day 3

2008-11-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

Your time 8am, my time 2pm... And the day has just begun. Day 3 and conveniently operating on New York time. I ask, what will my Thursday bring? Last nite put a spin on mood, plans and outlook on the day to follow. My mind is clouded from smoke and the chain of events. 2 seconds ago, just 2 seconds ago my vision was different.

I'll clear my eyes, escape premeditated thoughts and get on with the day. 2pm and I type to the breeze of a rainy AMS day. I throw on my new boots and get out to see what today brings. Let's start it off with yummy hot chocolate and a meal to follow...

Amsterdam... Day 2

2008-11-08T19:33:00.000-08:00

Late rise, early smoke. A day to shop and of course, a little smoke.

Rain and the essence of such a place can defeat even the worse of unfavored weather. As I tap the surface with my ballerina flats, I think of how a great pair of boots would have been a better option. Prayer answered! This happens to be the land of shoes and I just spotted my first purchase... A very nice pair of brown boots. Job well done Puttie :) and the nite continues!

Premium liquor finally!!! Yes, hotel bar it is.Then red light district late nite. Hmmm... I'll tell U how it goes from here...

As promised! The day has progressed and I'm in what U call the"hospital." Yet again. But this time... This time for a different cause.One may say its the repercussions of AMS, but I say it's one of the most frightening times of my life! They call it amnesia. I call it crack. Some smoke that trickled down a blood stream of drugs and caused a black out spell. From top to bottom in seconds. Eyes rolling in back of head. Man down! And I'm scared shit-less! What do I do? Where do I turn? I know the usual protocol is 911, but I don't know this emergency code. Didn't see it coming! Didn't expect it to happen! Now I sit... I wait... In a foreign room... In a foreign place... With foreign people... And wonder if my friend is alright... I'm scared shit-less!!! And all along, the same weed the brought us here, is lessening my fear!

Amsterdam... Day 1

2008-11-08T19:27:00.000-08:00

Breakfast... Coffee Shop... It's all history from there!

The look of such a place has quite a humble essence. It's sort of like the, "my house is your home" feel... Though foreign, the look of this place is true to its natural being. The people however... Somewhat cold and distant. I have not found the words to sum up this community. But as I search... Within and throughout the town of AMS, I'll be sure to come up with a few to render the justice needed. Welcome to Amsterdam!!!

Happiness is a Choice...

2008-11-08T18:54:00.000-08:00

Historic week passing... brighter days ahead!

As my gaze meets the sky, thoughts of limitless living cross my mind. A time in my life where I'm completely happy just "being." Many around me seem to be experiencing days, nights, weeks, months - even years of suffering. As I empathize with a few up close and many from a distance, I wonder why God has placed me in the center of all this heartache. Though, I am not questioning God, my human-like nature wonders how I've arrived here.

So I begin to ponder... Brain digging deeper. Heart pounding lightly. I'm listening closely. And though the message isn't yet clear, I've arrived at the focal point. I've arrived at a place of understanding. You see, in life I believe we have choices... Some choose to live in happiness, some choose to live in peace. Others choose to live in sadness and many choose to live in anger. I'm no judge, but all of a sudden I get why I'm in the middle. Not quite sure why you're surrounding me. But the choice I made to BE HAPPY has become my reality.

No life isn't exactly how I envisioned it at the age of 10. But somehow, right now, I am well. Oh now I get it... God has placed the yous' around me, in an effort to show how grateful I should be. Sometimes my pride interferes with my grace and glory isn't given to HE who deserves. Well, as of today, I will work harder to acknowledge my blessings and to share those blessings with others.

I would like you to know, happiness is a choice! Given anything you want in this world, without innate appreciation, acceptance and joy, you'll arrive at this very place. One of the guiding truths of life - We are all the causes of our own effects. Happiness is a choice! Be sure to choose wisely...

Complications with Life Itself

2008-09-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

As I shut my eyes, my face slowly touched the pillow. In the matter of seconds, I began to feel other parts of my body shutting down… Breathing is no longer second nature. I realize my breath has been compromised. Clogged pipes are not allowing breaths of fresh air to flow freely. On a quest for fresh air, I take shorter breaths and adjust my bodily position. To no avail, complications persist. I pray, I panic, I sob, on a quest for a good nights’ rest.

A wonderful day unfolded into an amazing evening and now the amazing evening transpires into a late night… a night where my health is in question. My mind races to figure out what can be done to shake this cough. All in the name of rest! Yes, I want to live a healthy life. BUT what’s health without rest I ask?

Well to my dismay, “Sleep is the cousin of death.” Tonight this rang so true. Though I don’t feel as if God wants this life to come to an end, my congested chest has made every second a struggle. Myyyy, how I took breathing fore granted. The simplest form of being has become the most challenging fight for survival. As I inhale, I pray for the day, the second, the moment when my chest opens and the breath of life enters in its purest form.

Save me! I would love to breathe again….

Remember?

2008-09-03T06:23:00.000-07:00

Remember those thoughts of last week? Remember those thoughts becoming things??? Well, the thought of today, as of last night, was a thought of a good day. Again, "thoughts become things." Today has proven itself already. A good day has begun!

As I recline in the seat I claim for the next 8.5 hours, I get cozy with the idea of being here for the better part of the day. While that literally confines me to a box, a box the size of a cubicle, my energy pushes past my reality. I think of today as a day of exploration. A day to see what else is out there for me. I begin with thoughts of finishing some writing assignments from Spring semester's "Writing for Magazines" class. I then float to my next great read. And then i resort to providing for others what I love for self...

Have U thought about viewing, analyzing, browsing, reading my words on paper? If it's a thought and you and I know thoughts become things, hmmmm.... this may be reality. Today is a beautiful day. Good vibes, good energy, good suiting, good karma, good food, good sunshine, good weather, good commute, good friends. Something GREAT will become of the all the good combined. Ok ok, I'm babbling. Just throwing words in this given frame. I'm done (for now), but I shall return...

Seen but not often heard...

2008-08-28T07:46:00.000-07:00

Seen but not often heard... I arise this morning with many thoughts. Thoughts of last nites' thoughts. Simple yet complex thoughts... Thoughts of sleeping later than usual. Thoughts of a nonobligatory day. Thoughts... Thoughts of what to wear. Thoughts of the September-like temps in the month of August.

As they say, thoughts become things! And with so much on the brain, I somehow encountered a woman... A woman refusing to silence her thoughts. With more thoughts brewing, I began to wonder what made this woman crazy. The thoughts to follow intensified. The loud outburst from the seat across interrupted my reading. And of course, losing focus on the words jumping from the page created more thoughts. As I analyzed and wondered about the shouts echoing throughout the train car, I take a different stance on how I viewed this thought provoking woman. Perhaps I had no reason to think she was insane. If I decided to use my outside voice to project inner thoughts, I'd probably be viewed as crazy myself. But you know the craziest thought of it all... with my thoughtful voice silenced... this woman is probably more sane than "I." During the 20 minute train ride, she's managed to get all her inner thoughts off her brain and into the universe.

Thoughts become things... and with the release of inner thoughts, sanity is awarded, approved, granted! WOW.. that woman probably feels as if the world was lifted off her shoulders. And here I am, judging her level of sanity. As I exit the car, there are a million and one thoughts brewing... Thoughts that I'll have to deal with today, tomorrow, just because the thought of sanity negates the act of insanity... Thoughts... and funny enough, I'm still thinking!

Hear my voice... I'm speaking out loud.

Joy Comes in the Morning...

2008-07-15T06:22:00.000-07:00

Joy comes in the morning... this statement rings so true. Only in the morning would I be able to laugh about a woman who decided to sit next to me on the bus and her fragrance wreaked of cat and Spanish food. WOW Joy really does come in the morning....

As I laughed and got off to the start of my day, I turned up the volume, jamming to Lil' Weezy. Great energy, good spirits and a cool easy going mood. Today will be a good day!

Wishing you a good day as well (*_*) Time to get to work! Ttys...

Night Vision...

2008-06-26T13:59:00.000-07:00

As I close my eyes and dream of dreaming... I realize that tomorrow is a new day. A fresh start. I can look @ the world through a new lens. My life has just begun!

So as I lay I smile at the newness of tomorrow and bask in the joy, the quiet echo of tonite. The most peaceful times of the day has all to do with my eyes. The process of opening and closing... Simplistic power of the infant-like act.

I'd give anything to bring such peace to my life entirely. As I smile, I recognize the power in opening and closing, laying and rising... My eyes, my mind, my ♥ and my soul. Good nite to U! We shall meet again in the a.m.

As the World Turns...

2008-06-23T11:48:00.000-07:00

I ask, where am I? Where should i go? Undecided on what directions to choose, which way to look... I sit still for a while to figure out this life (I identify as mine). I use MINE, but with all the choices, I find myself confined to doing what I have to do, so I can do what I'd like to do. Is that enough to label my life as that which belongs to others?

Well not really. I can do all I want to do, if willing to sacrifice and deal with the consequence of MY decisions. This circle of life is interesting. As U get to where U thought you wanted to be, the excitement of it all is released. And by the end of the month, things seem so systematic, mundane, repetitive, again. Is it me? Is it the spirit of an explorer that calls for so much more in life? Many are happy just where they are. Me... I'm happy by nature, but those unspoken things in life that makes my heart tick have fallen by the waist side.

I dream to live life with passion. To live life with a purpose. To explore & discover the true me. Live life in laughter. Everyday is a new day, so as I rise tomorrow I shall conquer the mission of the day. A new day! A day to be viewed differently than yesterday. A daily mission. Does this make me a missionary? Well call it what U want, I am out to discover. In the circle/cycle that seems so systematic, if I can get my mind to evolve from familiarity, I shall be in a better place today, tomorrow and forever.

Live in adventure. There's only one live to live. The only variable equal across the board is how U choose to live it! Live life in love and laughter.

Puttie is back!

Baby Steps

2008-02-19T11:55:00.000-08:00

The year is young, yet the transition is already in play. 08' has come! Month 2 already and as I raise my head to see what life, MY LIFE is like, I notice significant progress. Some1 whispered, "Baby steps." That's the best approach to getting started! With big dreams and spectacular ideas... things extending beyond arms' reach, the idea of taking a baby step towards it all quiets the fright. All things believable are attainable and the first step is your start to a new beginning.

So the telescopic lens I've used in the past, I've traded it in for a piece of equipment that zooms out on the big picture, captures the sight and focuses on the day to day journey to reach my peak. This brings joy to the present and optimism to the future.

I thank U all that have walked with me on my journey of life. I live, learn, love and of course laugh! Life's good...

As the world turns...

2008-02-05T11:28:00.000-08:00

As the world turns, I'm left standing still. The moment of stillness can be just a moment... or it can be a lifetime! In that moment I pause, practicing my yoga breathing technique. I'm trying to find balance. There's a desire to gain site again. I've been operating as a blind man. Able to see, but lacking the ability to see beyond today. So I sit in a moment of stillness searching, hoping, reaching for an answer... I'm listening to the universe and its higher power. Give me the strength to get back in motion.

At last! I'm back! With avengence! It's been a long time coming. No1 said it'll be easy, but today I lay the first brick. It's a start to an unthinkable finish. World... prepare yourself. A change has come!!! Have a lovely one...

WHEN WILL TODAY END???

2008-01-18T12:42:00.000-08:00

Just as soon as U think U've made it thru the worse part of your day... Hit with another bomb. A feeling of being overwhelmed. Just wanting the day to end. I wish I had a "U" to cuddle with, so I could feel safe in my world. It's like the dark tunnel has stretched longer & it's becoming more difficult to see the light at the end. I'm quite the optimist. The brighter angle of the picture holds me captive. Yet, on a day like today, the sun isn't shining. Plans have gone astray. As the world turns... I somehow ended up in the least favored position.

WHEN WILL TODAY END???

Don't Wake Me! I'm Dreaming...

2008-01-11T08:12:00.000-08:00

The nite U don't quite anticipate... U bump into an strange yet familiar face. In a land U once visited. An area one use to frequent. 10 steps behind, catching up and catching my breath, yet i still feel well connected. The chain of events varying between small arguments, laughter, endless jokes and informative conversations. I guess U can say i have a thirst for knowledge. I want to know more, I want more! More of U! U give me a lot, so y continuously hold my hand out? The mystery in this encounter is one I'm quite fond of. I proceed with intense emotion and our connection has no specified meaning. We have no title. There are no set rules b/c there's no comparison to what we know. So we blow in the wind, eat from the same plate (well not really), talk, talk, talk, laugh, laugh, laugh and spend all our free time in the company of one another. Can i get enough? Will the consumption of HE, eventually be too much for him or me? Right now I go hands free and just ride the wave. Well here's what the encounters consist of.

Meeting after work for a bite. A few hours turn into more than 12. We walk the city streets. All of a sudden the brisk winter nite evolves into a favored romantic comedy. The pace of street walkers catch the eye. It's like they're passing but I visualize every1 under false pretence. I see you, but I feel him! That feeling has taken me to new heights. I'm blissfully in a trance. Bring me back! I've always been a dreamy gal, so it's OK... DON'T WAKE ME I'M DREAMING! No1 can see what i see nor feel what i feel. I think mystery and misunderstanding creates some of the best connections. My God has all the answers! His simplistic treasures/pleasures, are meant to be disguised, take u by surprise, leaving a look of confusion on one's face.

I've learned to take the gifts as they come. No need to try repackaging his perfect treats. In doing so, U may receive your first kiss. Oooopsie... did I just spill the beans?!?!?!?

Foreign lands travelled...

2008-01-05T09:19:00.001-08:00

One lovely Saturday morning... No responsibilities! No obligations! Today is about ME! Who said it's selfish to indulge in ME and ME only today? Well selfish for the selfless is what I'll call today. See... I'm not here to boast about the great person I am. (Although I am a great person! LOL) But here's the thing, I'm searching for an understanding. How does one word, dictate how you'll deal with the person U claim to love. We are all angered by things in life, but how we choose to deal with such love, (ooops I meant to say anger), is what dictates how you'll deal with it all. The way you love me is the way you'll hate me. How fast U love me, will influence how fast you'll hate me. OMG I feel different today. Different about life. I've gained clarity on my own. I've released all emotions and for right now I'm ok. I get that it's not all about me, but today it is. And I realize that none of the human species lives in or with perfection. But what I have realized, love is that infectious bug that sees imperfection as nothing less than perfection. They say to let em go and he'll come back. It'll be nice to have U, but in ur absence I will survive. The sweet, sometimes soft spoken socialite has a hell of a back bone. I may hold back to spare the heart some pain, but this time I let go. I gave all! Mushy, corny, embarrassing, humiliating, dangerous, questioned amongst many... I wore my heart on my sleeve. They say U don't live till u've loved. Well I got a recent snippet of what it feels like to let your heart live. Today I feel more alive than I have in some time. I mean, I've been smiling since our first sober conversation. And I still smile. Memories last a lifetime. I remember the good, grow beyond the bad and keep looking ahead. Anything worth wild will have a great risk factor. Well what's life without risk?

OH MY... How can I forget? I just had a conversation about acknowledging how one operates with all and to think this person will not deal with U the same way. Silly me! Dismiss all things that anger U with abandonment. Hmmm... SO I'm not special??? Well to him I'm not b/c bottom line... I'm f*ckin special!!! And this is y today is about ME. Outside worlds cannot dictate that of your own. Deal with feelings and keep moving. Productivity is in the air. A day with the girls. Oh... and let me scour old phones for that number. It's a good time to get a proper fix! hahaha

Til next time... Carpe Diem!

Laughter

2007-12-19T07:43:00.000-08:00

Monday nite of laughter! Recovering from Sunday nite partying... sleep was way overdue by the time I crossed my front door. Exhaustion was in the air. After napping for 2 hrs, I was awaken by the arrival of my BFF. We sat up and talked for a while, then my phone rang. Who would of known! This returned call turned into hours of babbling. Starting out with a detailed description of exactly what dating meant in different cultures. Small topic, big laughs and a long nite!!!

BFF stayed in the convo til 4 am and the convo continued til 6:15 am. How the hell will i get up for work??? I did it! One more late nite... Although it took place in my home with the absence of alcohol. I wonder what drove me to talk for so long. Is it like, interest, love, fate??? I don't know if I can answer the question. A friendship has begun! Developing thru way of berry messenger. A love connection, perhaps! Or is it just two souls, awaiting the arrival for an enlightening connection. So different, yet mesh very well. The convos are endless! Empowering! Brings out the girlie girl in me! But what do I want from this? For now I'll take it as a friendship that's so meant to be. But sometimes I wonder where we'll go from here... One day at a time. My Romeo is not what I expected, should I be Juliet... I'm not what he expected! So all we can do is take what the day brings and leave an open window for the unexpected...

6 hours on the damn phone! WTF!!!

LOVE BUG

2007-12-13T13:23:00.001-08:00

A date! OMG all of a sudden I have 2. What should i do??? Should I opt to be romanced in a foreign language or should I show face and make a run for it. Funny... the moment I locked eyes with the berry addict, I knew that it was him and I that nite. My other plans were cancelled long b4 HE decided my nite would end with him. They say U can sometimes miss a blessing, a gift, a good thing when U go for ideal packaging. Well well well... let me tell U! I am happy my inner woman fights a lot harder for the things that spark her interest.

It all started from the inclusion of a mass email. Yes... months after we'd met. How things come right on time and are sooo meant to be! Ok... well back to the date. We go & take care of business (Oh no... not that kind of business!), then head to dinner. Dinner with the boys! That was entertaining and tasty. From dinner we proceed to a French restaurant for dessert. The crepes were delish!!! The wine was ok... and from there the party continued. A nite of laughter, smiles and good times. By 12 we were finishing up with glass 3 and heading to "the spot." My 2nd home... Lotus. Needless to say, the nite was a blur by 1. Yes 1am! Uhhh... what a mess I am. One things for sure, I know how to have a good time!!!

Oh... And guess what? I think I've been bit by the "LOVE BUG." Shhhhh don't tell anyone! I'm trying to hold my composure people!!

Is it not meant to be???

2007-12-12T07:30:00.000-08:00

The fire's ignited with a berry swap... BFF is having a very engaging convo with a familiar young man on my behalf. The conversation goes from casual flirting to intense expressions of seeing him once again.

Ok... so now the guy has a mouth full and a burning desire to see me once again. With conflicting schedules at hand, we manage to keep the energy flowing thru berry messenger. It starts with a casual hello, migrates to a pic of self, then a pic of "what to expect" follows. "What to expect...." Mouth wide open! Now the tables have turned and my desires intensify. For a few days, all I can think of is what it will feel like. And after vaca that day presents itself.

"What's up?" Nothing, lying on my couch. "I'm coming over tonite! I'm done at 9pm, see you after!" Anxiously waiting, I begin to clean. Upon his arrival, not WOW'd, but I know there's more to come. He crosses the door, I exit the shower while he sits patiently on the chaise. With a special room invite, we change up the scenery a bit and begin fondling. Kissing, touching, squeezing, holding... all that U can imagine and more! With so much passion, the body screams for MORE. Wants become needs! Motioning to gain such satisfaction, he blurts out, "I don't have any ____." WTF How do u come for an act without all your props??? Uhhhh.... I instantly transform. With a greed to now fulfill a need, I try the old fashion way of reaching my peak. With bodies rubbing, undies touching and warm french kisses to the neck, I get a lil of what I need. Sexually frustrated, turns into somewhat pleased.

I deem tonite a nite worth my time! It's been sometime since I've taken it there... Droughts, dry spells, lack of, can be frustrating. But for some reason I believe God wants my "good girl" to be preserved for "MY GUY!!!" And my guy only! So what will I do? I'll wait! I shall wait patiently... Patiently waiting, but promise it won't take so long this time...

San Fran

2007-12-12T07:15:00.000-08:00

Sometimes a day, a moment, a week, a minute, a month, a year... all facets of time to escape can be give just what's needed. New scenery, peaceful environment, visions of unknown waters, red bridges, trolley rides through the streets of Union Square. An exciting escape offering new flavors of life. Architecture of a genius. Who would of known San Fran is the place I'd like to see again. Time well spent! Energy well released! Sleep worth missing! Court side seats worth filling! Delectable tastes & compliments to the chef! A life so close, yet a notable space between the 2.

So the trip comes to an end. New surroundings become familiar territory as the plane glides across the skies, landing in NEW YORK. I'm back! Ready to keep the party going. Ready to go for what I want in life. Welcoming what makes me laugh. I'm back! And given this weeks chain of events... I am really operating as if vacation isn't over just yet.

7 whole days...

2007-11-14T13:07:00.000-08:00

It's been a week since we've touched... I can admit the longing to return. But to let the thoughts fluster my mind at such an inappropriate time... The first tear has already hit my chest and I can feel tear #2 forming to make an adjacent landing. I didn't want to deal with this emotion. I tried to brush a smile over the frown. Truth is, frowning or pouting, the true me shows up on my face. And right now, I am not who U think I am. Always filled with joy... this is currently a thing of the past! I thought my sorrow was so "last season," but evidently it has resurfaced to Fall 2007. I aspire to be an all around happy being.

Then I wonder... Lord am I asking for too much? Do I lack faith? Is my voice whispering at a time when I should be shouting? Do I lack ambition? Am I ready for what I really want? Do you have an alternate plan? R U making me wait b/c something bigger is in the picture? Am I waiting, so I can truly believe in your power when the blessing comes? Y??? I ask, Y? I feel alone in a dark place and I'd like to see light. Light at the other end of this tunnel. As I type, I can barely focus b/c I'm experiencing day 3 of a chronic headache. It's all new to me. 25... and.... what's next? Should I just pack up and start this journey all over again? What should I do? There must be lines of communication that have been cut b/c I'm unsure if U hear me and I really cannot hear U. Or am I mistaking your voice? Are you speaking thru another being? Where r U? I need U!!! Attempting to wait patiently...

Please... Not another nightmare tonite... PLEASE! Reveal the beauty to come, in my dream tonite. That will shift my dark vision significantly! Thanks in advance (*_*)

Clarity from the MAN we can always count on... GOD!

2007-11-07T13:09:00.000-08:00

U are right! God will always answer even if it's not right now. This made me slump in my seat a bit. It's like, always expect the unexpected. Kind of makes U question things. Although, I believe in loving hard even if it means you'll only be able to love that person for a short period of time. But in human error we sometimes lose hope. It's like... well when can I feel safe and not be at square one again, so soon??? The pieces will fall in the places God visioned, even if this puzzle doesn't go together as planned by your naked eye.

The clarity lies in your truth and His favor... GOD (*_*)

Stand Still!

2007-11-05T13:41:00.001-08:00

When the world's moving fast and U can't keep the pace, stand still. Allow things to revolve around U for a while. Observation changes when U remove self from the rat race. Sometimes U must "stand still!"

That's all for today! Why??? Because I'm just "STANDING STILL!!!"

Halloween's Over!

2007-11-01T13:36:00.000-07:00

Halloween was kinda fun! Club was extremely packed, so U know I was hot as hell. But the girls enjoyed... Viv was loved up! I must say... those 2 look good together! Phoenix had a number of things going on last nite. To her surprise, she was actually drunk (An admirer from way back told her so) and definitely policing the place! lol My other bff anticipated such a great nite, she took off. And I'm sure it was a great nite for her. It went from dance club to strip club. Couldn't enjoy the strip club, due to morning obligations. The team counts on me! Haha what a joke!

Today... Surprisingly, I am feeling and looking quite good. Refreshed if I must say so myself. I am sure it's the good energy I put into the universe. I spoke of today being a fantastic day and that it is! I have another highlight of the day, but I'll wait to discuss. Right now, I need grub! Meeting Phoenix for a bite and heading home to enjoy my tube. :) What a nite to lead into an even better day...

At the end of the day...

2007-10-31T13:01:00.000-07:00

At the end of the day U realize you have many people rooting for you, many concerned about your well-being. The simplest gesture of contact brings back the moment when you realized you're loved. All of a sudden, a voice just lifted U up! Thanks! I appreciate the change of energy. Then I wonder, was it me or U? Did I just come to realize greatness thru U? Or was it all U. I can give equal credit... it was US. Nah, it was just U being you and God showing me that all things pass, good or bad. Accept, embrace, let go and let God! That's the motto to a pure heart.

That was a stack of bricks off the chest! Now let's party! Happy Halloween!!! A "Sexy Devil" is what I'll be (*_*) Let's see who gets the naughty ending tonight...

Clouded Thoughts...

2007-10-30T06:39:00.000-07:00

Great morning! Porridge to fill the belly, tea to soothe the soul.

It's funny... You're on the good foot with all, then one rotten apple manages to spoil the bunch! Didn't think it bothered me much, but this time my feathers have been ruffled. In a world where selfish is necessary at times, many don't know how to step out of that element to become selfless. OK OK OK... enough babbling! Address the issue and move on. That I shall do today!

Heading into a meeting this morning. Interest for what's to be discussed is nonexistent. Obligations... responsibilities... warrants my presence. :( Definitely a sad face moment. Oh well... here goes nothing!

Sleeping Beauty...

2007-10-29T13:49:00.000-07:00

Who says beauty can't derive from rest??? If lack of rest can turn a beauty into a beast, is quite the opposite possible? Well today I'm more well rested than I've been in a long time. Skipping out on the night's festivities... Trading in a night of dancing, for a night of sleep... for a day of sanity! So much has been accomplished today. A feeling of warmth has entered my body. 40 degree weather hasn't taken the warm breeze out of my body. There's something about sleep that just makes U focus. U see things differently. The world seems to respond with clarity when approaching the day with a clear and open mind. My day thus far has been great! A sense of greatness achieved by self. Sleep has managed to push extremities that would normally f*ck up my day, to the back burner. Today is a good day! Tomorrow... Ummm, even better!

Saturday night drunkenness, coupled with a greasy burger to follow, didn't make a mess of my Sunday and my Sunday made today a blessed day. Thank God for opportunities, decisions, choices!!! The best thing about tomorrow is knowing that a new beginning is approaching and this beginning surfaces from the art of sleep. Whoever said the nickname of "Sleeping Beauty" wasn't the best appointed title ever... Kiss my ___! Ooopps (*_*)

It's FRIDAY

2007-10-26T11:48:00.000-07:00

So I roll out of bed with the feeling of staying where I am for the next few hours. But who can ignore the time being watched on someone else's clock? Alright, alright... I've managed to make it to the shower and my day has begun! The halo of a days work sitting on my conscience. The thought of "what can I do today to make my life better?" becomes a constant question in my mind. Gloomy weather, brisk air... not quite the day I'd like, but hell, it is FRIDAY!!! And when the workday comes to an end, freedom begins!

What will my weekend consist of? I'm sure I'll have some beans to spill by Monday. Hell... I may need to grab a pen and paper Saturday morning to journal Friday night's mayhem. No plans, but that doesn't suggest it'll be a quiet evening. Wine, movie, boy toy... I'm all set for a frisky evening, but plans seem to go astray from one berry message. My messenger buds always have a cluster of "things" to do. Oh... and I mean "things" literally!

Hahaha! That last comment excited me a bit. So inappropriate for the office. But who cares??? U can't see thru my black pants anyhow... (*_*) J/K

Lata Yall!
Violet

Today's the Day!!!

2007-10-25T13:04:00.000-07:00

Is today that special day??? I think so! Confirmation... Well I just read an old email from one of my nearest and dearest. It read:

"I read what u sent MJ, I thought I was reading something else! Keep a diary, cause ur good! I'd buy it :o) LOL Ummm, time for you 2 start your own anonymous blog! I'm serious! That would be dope! Blog all this down! Love it!"
S. Shine...

The exchange of such words happened on August 13th, 2007. 2 months and (almost) 2 weeks later, I come to expose a snippet of my world. A world that changes upon exiting the building that houses our 9-5. Many may wonder, but few know the truth of our lives. We're young NYC girls, reveling in both worlds. I welcome your presence and tempt your craving to experience life on the island in which I reside... NEW YORK CITY!!!